Sunday, June 20, 2010

My life hasnt always been smooth as peaches and cream. In fact its actually been more like butter pecan where its a blend of smooth and creamy with the pecans being some major bumps. I am not the same old Traci that everyone could use and abuse and cheat on etc. I have closed the chapter on that part of my life once and for all. Dont get me wrong, I will still help those in need and would give the clothes off my back if I could but lets just say I am alot more aware of my surroundings so to speak. I know who I am, yes I am still trying to figure out my purpose but I know now I dont have to hide in the shadows, I dont have to be someone's support and they not support me in return like what has happened in the past. I know that I am someone's girlfriend, I am my kids mom, I am a sister, a friend as well. I am finding out through everything I have been through that you have to have a balance in life. Me the scared person who is afraid of being loved and left etc doesnt exist anymore. Sure I am in love with the most awesome man on the face of the Earth, but this is a different kind of love. I dont NEED him in my life, I WANT him there, there's a big difference. I have learned to stand up for myself, for my friends, for my family, for those whom I love but never again will I give so much to one person and lose sight of who I am, who I stand for. I have people all the time ask me how I can work full time, be a mom, and still manage to run a house, and keep a relationship thriving and I can answer them in one word---BALANCE. I love my job, love who I have become but the only way I can function is with the perfect balance.

I have overcome so much in the last 10 years that I honestly and truly amaze myself....I used to be so scared to do anything to be anything, that most of my time was spent in the shadows, but thanks to some awesome guidance and love I am learning that I am someone. I love wearing makeup now and oh wow am I working on having a smokin' hot body! Everything in were times when it was really bad that I held on to the bad because I didnt believe that there was anything out there for me because I had been told that so much in my life and when you are told things alot you honestly start believing it. And then being abused and cheated on made it that much worse..oh wait I think I am also forgetting how I thought someone wanted something with me and I ended up pregnant and alone, but I have to say Ali was the best thing that could have happened to me.

But enough with the past, the past is the past I cant fix anything that happened, the only thing I can do is move forward in life which is why I am writing this goodbye cheating, slimy exhusband, goodbye to all the assholes that said I would never amount to anything, goodbye to all the people who judge me without even getting to know me. I am at this very moment closing one chapter in my life and opening another....kind of like a life do-over to a point.