Monday, September 6, 2010

Tired of the drama...

I have to admit... I am sick of drama. My parents cause drama because I honestly dont think they know any better, my ex husband causes drama, and the sad thing is that he drags Matt into his drama and then I have to come along and clean it up. He neglected and abused his son --to the point where his wife had to take Matt away and call me and then the jackleg calls me up and asks me to have him for the weekends again--can we say not a snowballs chance? I am so proud of Matt, he has jumped into 2nd grade with a vengeance. He does his home work every night, is studying for his tests and quizzes and above all else his behavior has improved 200%. Dont get me wrong, he still has his moments but he is not whining like he used to and actually has some good friends in our neighborhood...why then does his dad think I want to go back to the way things used to be. No you are not getting him every other weekend, in fact until he is cleared by a doctor as being stable he will not keep him overnight. Go ahead take me to jail,may my exhusband get me charged with Contempt but I am doing whats best for my son. My son needs stability and structure and I can provide him with that. He doesnt need drama and unstability. I know I am not the World's best mom due to my past but I am overcoming that I am opening a new can of worms so to speak,k there is no more of the past controlling my focus is on my kids.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Making Your Mark!

I went to church on Sunday, yeah I know its been a long time. I love my church down home church no matter where I lay my head will always be the church I grew up in Osceola United Methodist Church in Osceola, In but down here I attend the Vineyard Community Church in Greenwood, IN. When I lived on the west side I went to Chapel Rock Church but now its too far to go but I will say that that church and the people is what helped me go through my divorce. They offered a class called divorce care which honestly and truly gave me some awesome closure and I believe allowed me to move on and meet Rey. The people I met there touched my heart. I believe God puts people in every step of your life to love you and be there for you at that moment. Most of them fade away into the distance as you move on into another part of your life but then there are a select few and some people only have 1 or 2 that are your friends for life. I can name so many people that have helped me along this journey but there are 3 that stick out most in my mind and those are my best friends, my sisters, they have my back no matter what and I know without a doubt that I have theirs no matter how bad things get. Gena, Janie, and Melissa are my forever friends.

Okay I am rambling, I get sidetracked sometimes anyways oh ye

ah what was I talking about ..oh yeah church Sunday and the message...

Its based on the book of Joshua, actually the story of Rahab. Rahab was a prostitute. Its funny though because even though Rahab was a prostitute God still used her. Makes you think doesnt it how awesome it is that God can use ANYONE to achieve His purpose?

So the question Pastor asked that needs to start this all off is....What kind of mark are you leaving? Rahab knew that her city was about to be destroyed and she wanted a way to save her family, God gave her the way.

Joshua 6:23--" The men who had been spies went in and brought out Rahab, her father, mother, brothers and all the other relatives who were with her. They moved her whole family to a safe place near the camp of Israel."

1. Focus your DEVOTION.
Rahab realized her devotion was in the wrong place.
Joshua 2:9-11 says "We are all afraid of you. Everyone is living in this land in terror. For we have heard how Yahweh made a dry path for you through the red sea when you left Egypt. And we know what you did to Sihon and Og the 2 Amorite Kings east of the Jordan River, whose people you completely destroyed. No wonder our hearts have melted in fear! No one has the courage to fight after hearing such things. For Yahweh your God is the supreme God of the heavens above and the Earth below."

2. Smell the FIRE.
Rahab didnt wait for the flames, she smelled what was coming and took ACTION! She recognized her problem and it took it seriously, no sugar coating about it!
Joshua 2:12 says "Now swear to me by Yahweh that you will be kind to me and my family since I have helped you. Give me some guarantee that when Jericho is conquered, you will let me live, along with my father and mother, my brothers and sisters, and all their families."

3. Step into ACTION!
Rahab's concern motivated her to act!
"I accept your terms," she replied. And she sent them on their way leaving the scarlet rope dangling from the window.

What ways might I need to refocus the devotion in my life?

-Live my life consumed by Christ

-Live my life through God, NOT live for myself

-Can you smell any fires in your life?

-Do you have any "Holy Discontent?"

-How might I need to step into action with the impending fires in my life?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My life hasnt always been smooth as peaches and cream. In fact its actually been more like butter pecan where its a blend of smooth and creamy with the pecans being some major bumps. I am not the same old Traci that everyone could use and abuse and cheat on etc. I have closed the chapter on that part of my life once and for all. Dont get me wrong, I will still help those in need and would give the clothes off my back if I could but lets just say I am alot more aware of my surroundings so to speak. I know who I am, yes I am still trying to figure out my purpose but I know now I dont have to hide in the shadows, I dont have to be someone's support and they not support me in return like what has happened in the past. I know that I am someone's girlfriend, I am my kids mom, I am a sister, a friend as well. I am finding out through everything I have been through that you have to have a balance in life. Me the scared person who is afraid of being loved and left etc doesnt exist anymore. Sure I am in love with the most awesome man on the face of the Earth, but this is a different kind of love. I dont NEED him in my life, I WANT him there, there's a big difference. I have learned to stand up for myself, for my friends, for my family, for those whom I love but never again will I give so much to one person and lose sight of who I am, who I stand for. I have people all the time ask me how I can work full time, be a mom, and still manage to run a house, and keep a relationship thriving and I can answer them in one word---BALANCE. I love my job, love who I have become but the only way I can function is with the perfect balance.

I have overcome so much in the last 10 years that I honestly and truly amaze myself....I used to be so scared to do anything to be anything, that most of my time was spent in the shadows, but thanks to some awesome guidance and love I am learning that I am someone. I love wearing makeup now and oh wow am I working on having a smokin' hot body! Everything in were times when it was really bad that I held on to the bad because I didnt believe that there was anything out there for me because I had been told that so much in my life and when you are told things alot you honestly start believing it. And then being abused and cheated on made it that much worse..oh wait I think I am also forgetting how I thought someone wanted something with me and I ended up pregnant and alone, but I have to say Ali was the best thing that could have happened to me.

But enough with the past, the past is the past I cant fix anything that happened, the only thing I can do is move forward in life which is why I am writing this goodbye cheating, slimy exhusband, goodbye to all the assholes that said I would never amount to anything, goodbye to all the people who judge me without even getting to know me. I am at this very moment closing one chapter in my life and opening another....kind of like a life do-over to a point.