Am I ever going to be able to heal?

Thats the question I ask myself at least 200 times a day.  Am I ever going to be able to trust my husband, stop pretending that everything is ok in my life when it isnt.  I was hurt so badly by my 1st marriage that I dont feel like I can close one chapter and truly open another.  Its a struggle I deal with every day of my life. And now it is affecting my marriage.  It just makes me want to sit down and cry.  The semblance of my life that I thought was ok isnt.  Why is that?  I havent felt safe and secure in my own life in a very long time.  Its like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop which is severely hindering my life.  Everything that has happened in my life has made me negative and bitter.  Here comes the holidays which I am dreading like always, something bad always happens during the holidays and whats to say this wont be any different.  Ugh.  So I get up today and I dont see a new day, full of new possibilities and all that bs.  I see a dark day where is snowing (yuck) and I have to work 11 hours and I have a headache and I am dreading waking my kids up here in a minute when I know they wont listen to me and the battle ensues.  Its like I am trying to cram 26 into 24 hours a day.  When I get home I get to help with homework and make sure everything is picked up and somehow, someway squeeze 45 minutes out so i can go workout.  I would give about anything right now for a pepsi yet that is a no no just like most foods are..ugh....I wish things would get better, but I seriously doubt it.  I wish that I could actually close the old chapter and move on to this one fully.

 Life has been busy around our house this spring and now summer here are some pics of my loved ones.

 Matt did 4h in Marion County this year.  He made a tye dye shirt, an electrical circuit board and some smores brownies and banana muffins and also learned how to freeze blueberries properly..he is becoming quite the 4her and I am proud of him.

My husband graduated from the Univ of Indianapolis Magna Cum Laude with a degree in informations systems.

Now we are gearing up to see what the rest of the summer holds for us!

Christmas 2012

Just thought I would share a few pictures from our Christmas at home. 

A New Year..A new me...

Okay a new year,  you know out with the old and in with the new.  2012 was like a huge journey for me.  I grew spiritually and mentally in so many ways.  I grew closer to the Lord, closer to my husband, found out who my real friends are, turned 35, grew closer to my kids.  Found a bible study that I seem to fit right into.  As 2012 came to a close I began to look ahead to 2013.  I started to reflect and pray and see what I could do to grow even further.  To let the past be the past and move on to the future.

I decided to take up Spanish.  My husband is bilingual and I feel that I too should be able to speak both languages.  I have begun taking Rosetta Stone and I am happy to say I am almost done with Unit 1 and will soon be onto Unit 2.  My goal is to have a conversation with him completely in spanish soon.  

I have begun reading again.  Now that Ali is getting older, I find I get a little more free time (yay) and so I have begun to re-read "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.  I have also taken up more cooking and also have decided to start crocheting with the hopes of crocheting a blanket for each of the kids and my dad.  

I have found over the last few years that I have become a pretty complacent person.  I always thought as a Christian I had to be happy and content with wherever God has me.  I am finding that this is not entirely true as yes I am content where I am in life but there is so much more life to live.  I want to learn, to thrive, to be closer to Christ than I have ever been, I want the demons and dark corners of my past to stay in the past and not affect my future. I need to stop going to work all day and then coming home and doing nothing but popping myself in front of the TV.  I need to get away from the TV, from the computer and spend time reading, taking up new hobbies, and enjoying life.  I see so many people who work a normal job and then come home and do nothing..I cannot be like that.  

A getaway!

 Me just screwing around :)

 These are the pictures from our trip to Florida

that we took back in October.  

Filling Your Blessing Basket
by Sheila Walsh

In her book Basket of Blessings: 31 Days to a More Grateful Heart, Karen O'Connor shares her experience. "If you want to be content, to experience peace," a friend had told Karen, "write down your blessings—the things you’re grateful for—on slips of paper and put them in a container of some kind. A small basket or box or bag will do. Soon it will be full to overflowing. From time to time look at what you wrote. No one can be discontent for long with so much to be thankful for."

In addition to filling a "blessing basket" on a daily basis, we could write a letter to God once a year, listing all that pours out of our hearts for his extravagant grace to us. Think of what a joy it would be to keep our annual letters of gratitude to read through the years or to pass on to our children. What a celebration we could have as we remind ourselves of the faithfulness of God.

Whether our thank-you moments are momentary, intentional pauses in the midst of a hectic day, thank you notes to God for his many blessings, or lengthy discourses of his grace, cultivating an attitude of gratitude will remind us of the truth that undergirds our lives: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Psalm 100:5).

Holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter can be joyful occasions, but I'm aware that they can be painful too. Perhaps you have lost a loved one and this is this first time you will face a particular birthday or anniversary with an empty place at your table. Perhaps family times make you feel lonely, remind you of what’s not true for you at this moment. I pray that you might know deep in your spirit that you belong to an eternal family; you are loved by God, enough for him to send his precious Son to the Cross for you.

We have so much to celebrate as daughters of the King of Kings. I pray that you might find a quiet place today to stop and lift your heart up in gratitude to our Father.

"Happiness is something you decide ahead of time"

I just started reading Joel Osteen's new book "Every day a Friday." I have to admit I am enlightened by the book. Chapter one starts out with this older gentleman going to a retirement home and as he rides in the car there he remarks about how pretty it is and the lady driving him tells him that he isnt there yet and how does he know if he is going to like it? He then tells her that he doesnt have to see it, it doesnt matter how the furniture is arranged or what color the room is he tells her that "happiness is something you decide ahead of time."

Happiness is a choice. When you wake up each morning you can remark how cold it is or how you cant find your slippers or that the dog peed on the rug in the middle of the night and you stepped in it or you can put that all aside and decide to wake up happy.

I absolutely love my daughter, she is the princess of my life but one thing about her that stands out to me about her is the fact that no matter what she wakes up every morning with a smile on her face. She could have peed the bed or vomited on her pillow but it doesnt matter she wakes up with a smile on her face and a Good Morning to whomever gets her out of her crib. I call her my happy baby.

We have to be this way in life as well. In July I lost my job, a job I loved. I wallowed in depression for a couple of weeks and then I made a choice, I made a choice to send out resumes to get my life back on track and to remain happy when I probably should have been hurt and numb inside. Abe Lincoln said it best when he said "Most people are as happy as they decided to be."

A recent study found that people's happiness increases 10% on Friday. Why is that? They reported that people are excited for the upcoming weekend, they make up their mind on Friday to live and love their lives more...Isnt that just weird?

The challenge in this book is to live everyday like it is a friday. Give yourself permission to be happy everyday not just on Fridays. Not just on the weekends and not just when you have a special occasion. I love how he mentions : The scripture doesnt say Friday is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it. Nope it says THIS is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24) The word THIS means everyday not just friday. I admit there are days when in the past I would let things get to me and it would steal my happiness but the more and more I get into this book the more and more I realize that I need to be more like my daughter and wake up each morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart even when I really dont feel like getting out of bed. I have to choose to do this even when I feel awful and I wake up and its cold and rainy I just need to tell myself that I will be happy today. Joel goes on in Chapter one to say that more heart attacks happen on Monday then any other day of the week, Probably because people stress themselves out worrying about stress at work, etc.

So my tidbit of advice for today is to live each day like it was Friday and truly decide to be happy...