Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Am I ever going to be able to heal?

Thats the question I ask myself at least 200 times a day.  Am I ever going to be able to trust my husband, stop pretending that everything is ok in my life when it isnt.  I was hurt so badly by my 1st marriage that I dont feel like I can close one chapter and truly open another.  Its a struggle I deal with every day of my life. And now it is affecting my marriage.  It just makes me want to sit down and cry.  The semblance of my life that I thought was ok isnt.  Why is that?  I havent felt safe and secure in my own life in a very long time.  Its like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop which is severely hindering my life.  Everything that has happened in my life has made me negative and bitter.  Here comes the holidays which I am dreading like always, something bad always happens during the holidays and whats to say this wont be any different.  Ugh.  So I get up today and I dont see a new day, full of new possibilities and all that bs.  I see a dark day where is snowing (yuck) and I have to work 11 hours and I have a headache and I am dreading waking my kids up here in a minute when I know they wont listen to me and the battle ensues.  Its like I am trying to cram 26 into 24 hours a day.  When I get home I get to help with homework and make sure everything is picked up and somehow, someway squeeze 45 minutes out so i can go workout.  I would give about anything right now for a pepsi yet that is a no no just like most foods are..ugh....I wish things would get better, but I seriously doubt it.  I wish that I could actually close the old chapter and move on to this one fully.

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