Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Am I ever going to be able to heal?

Thats the question I ask myself at least 200 times a day.  Am I ever going to be able to trust my husband, stop pretending that everything is ok in my life when it isnt.  I was hurt so badly by my 1st marriage that I dont feel like I can close one chapter and truly open another.  Its a struggle I deal with every day of my life. And now it is affecting my marriage.  It just makes me want to sit down and cry.  The semblance of my life that I thought was ok isnt.  Why is that?  I havent felt safe and secure in my own life in a very long time.  Its like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop which is severely hindering my life.  Everything that has happened in my life has made me negative and bitter.  Here comes the holidays which I am dreading like always, something bad always happens during the holidays and whats to say this wont be any different.  Ugh.  So I get up today and I dont see a new day, full of new possibilities and all that bs.  I see a dark day where is snowing (yuck) and I have to work 11 hours and I have a headache and I am dreading waking my kids up here in a minute when I know they wont listen to me and the battle ensues.  Its like I am trying to cram 26 into 24 hours a day.  When I get home I get to help with homework and make sure everything is picked up and somehow, someway squeeze 45 minutes out so i can go workout.  I would give about anything right now for a pepsi yet that is a no no just like most foods are..ugh....I wish things would get better, but I seriously doubt it.  I wish that I could actually close the old chapter and move on to this one fully.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

 Life has been busy around our house this spring and now summer here are some pics of my loved ones.

 Matt did 4h in Marion County this year.  He made a tye dye shirt, an electrical circuit board and some smores brownies and banana muffins and also learned how to freeze blueberries properly..he is becoming quite the 4her and I am proud of him.

My husband graduated from the Univ of Indianapolis Magna Cum Laude with a degree in informations systems.

Now we are gearing up to see what the rest of the summer holds for us!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Christmas 2012

Just thought I would share a few pictures from our Christmas at home. 

A New Year..A new me...

Okay a new year,  you know out with the old and in with the new.  2012 was like a huge journey for me.  I grew spiritually and mentally in so many ways.  I grew closer to the Lord, closer to my husband, found out who my real friends are, turned 35, grew closer to my kids.  Found a bible study that I seem to fit right into.  As 2012 came to a close I began to look ahead to 2013.  I started to reflect and pray and see what I could do to grow even further.  To let the past be the past and move on to the future.

I decided to take up Spanish.  My husband is bilingual and I feel that I too should be able to speak both languages.  I have begun taking Rosetta Stone and I am happy to say I am almost done with Unit 1 and will soon be onto Unit 2.  My goal is to have a conversation with him completely in spanish soon.  

I have begun reading again.  Now that Ali is getting older, I find I get a little more free time (yay) and so I have begun to re-read "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.  I have also taken up more cooking and also have decided to start crocheting with the hopes of crocheting a blanket for each of the kids and my dad.  

I have found over the last few years that I have become a pretty complacent person.  I always thought as a Christian I had to be happy and content with wherever God has me.  I am finding that this is not entirely true as yes I am content where I am in life but there is so much more life to live.  I want to learn, to thrive, to be closer to Christ than I have ever been, I want the demons and dark corners of my past to stay in the past and not affect my future. I need to stop going to work all day and then coming home and doing nothing but popping myself in front of the TV.  I need to get away from the TV, from the computer and spend time reading, taking up new hobbies, and enjoying life.  I see so many people who work a normal job and then come home and do nothing..I cannot be like that.