Saturday, November 5, 2011

What are you good at?

My husband has asked me that question a million times in the almost 3 years we have been together. My answer is always the same..I dont know and then he proceeds to tell me to think outside the box. Outside the box? What exactly is that? I am a wife, mom, sister, friend. I am a person who puts 250% into my job so that I can excel at it. I love to read and write and I am getting pretty good at interpreting what Jesus is thinking in the bible the more I study it. When I was growing up I tried sports, drama, choir, 4h, but there wasnt really anything I excelled at so I gave up. And I played it safe. No risks.... I wont even go back to college because I am so scared of failing.

My husband is an awesome man. He loves to fix cars and computers and all of that. I wish I could but honestly I am scared. Scared to try, scared to fail, scared to hear someone tell me I am stupid and a failure. I never sold anything or did anything because I was scared I would be laughed at. It happened too many times as I was growing up and even with my 1st marriage.

Now I am 34 years old and too scared or too set in my ways to change my life. I like working and being mom and honestly the fear is so real to me I dont know what to do. 7 years ago I had the biggest fight of my life when I overcame my cancer and now..I dont think there is alot of fight left in me. I know the fear of rejection is very real to me.

I want to be this perfect wife, mother, lover and have it all. I am also scared to lose all that like I did before when my 1st marriage ended. I just wish God would tell us what we are good at instead of making us fail before we can succeed, it would save alot of people that way.

I honestly dont know where to start. Is it weird that I am content in my life and that I have come to this contentment because I am tired of fighting and being hurt and rejected? So basically I play it safe and dont take any risk.. I love to catch up on my DVR shows and play around on Facebook after a long day at work. My husband calls it not being "productive". He is the kind of person who loves to come home and instead of relaxing, go out and work on his car or go reload windows on a computer. I look at myself now as to what? I am so scared to fail that it has totally scared me to try. Is there any life left in me? I just wish I knew what I was good at so I dont have to keep trying and failing..but I guess life doesnt work that way.

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