Monday, August 29, 2011

My children are my life. I love them with all my heart. All of the things I have been through I have gotten through with them. Working gave me a sense of pride, a sense that I was doing something, it was so cool when Mom could buy that video game or that pair of cool jeans and now I have to tell them it isnt my decision anymore. It totally breaks my heart.

Going to Women of Faith that weekend I decided I needed a change in my life. God has placed me home with my kids I just need to accept it, accepting it and being happy about it was going to take some work and some time. It has been almost a month now and I am adjusting. I dont like not having like a set schedule anymore so I am working on Flylady and things like that so I can be more organized and enjoy this better. And I dont know where I would be without my friends. Penny, Melissa, Gena, Janie, Patricia, Jen, thanks so much for listening to me and just being there for me. I dont know what I would have done without all of you.

I started this book I bought at the Women of Faith conference. It is written by Nicole Johnson and it is called "Fresh Brewed Life--A stirring invitation to wake up your soul" I thought oh wow this is so cool, just what I need and I will have plenty of time to read this and journal and take notes and well what was I thinking ..I am chasing around a 2 yr old....who doesnt like naps, and dropping off and picking up an 8 yr old and the house and the laundry and cooking and cleaning and I have begun to realize even being home there just isnt enough hours in a day.. either that or Satan is trying to keep me busy so I dont have time to have quiet time with the Lord. Uggh..any ways the other day I made myself sit down and start on Chapter 1.

I opened the book and the 1st thing I read was Psalm 57:8 -- "Awake, my soul!" and then it goes on to John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full" I love that verse because the Lord gives us life and having Him in our life it is an abundant life. Anyways in chapter one she starts off with talking about coffee and when someone asks you to go have coffee with them its not to have just a cup of coffee but to fellowship, to connect. I love going to have coffee with someone because this way I can connect and chat about things and just enjoy the other person's company. I think Helen Keller put it best when she said "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

I admit I have been through an adventure the last 10 years with the cancer, divorce, reposession, losing my home, depression, anger, frustration and through it all God has been there ..looking back now I see where God was right there when I needed Him guiding me and showing me which path to take. I didnt always take the right one but He was there when I fell. When God gave me the idea to start up my blog again, share my insights, share the way He was working in my life I admit, I was scared. Ever since I was beaten and assaulted over 14 years ago I have just stayed in the shadows...I used to be the life of the party but fear has taken that from me.

So I became a shadow, I stayed in the background, stayed out of the conflict, stayed out of the drama..for the most part, just stayed away..I think I was also like that in my relationship with Christ. I have to admit my relationship with the Lord is pretty private...I have never spoke about my faith and my prayer time is very quiet, just me and God whether it be in the car on my way to work back then or in the shower as I was getting ready in the morning, I didnt have the ability to pray in a group etc. I always wanted to be this put -together woman that drove the SUV and was the ultimate soccer mom and the ultimate Christian woman. As I was growing up I would see these women at my hometown church. These women looked all put together and they were on the various committees at church and they had husbands on fire for God and they prayed together before bed and I was like thats the kind of woman I want to be. As I got older I wanted to be married and have a big house and have the women over for prayer time and coffee and be the soccer mom and just strive at being perfect and I found out one night that there is no such world came crashing down around me. I made one wrong decision after another...I wasnt perfect, I was an embarassment. I got pregnant out of wedlock at 20, ended up a single mom till my son was 4 then I married the wrong person, wrong in so many ways from his cheating and spending money to the fact he was gone all the time and abused me when he was home.

I still had this vision of me being the perfect wife and mother but in reality I was as far away from it I could be. I got cancer and my marriage fell apart and in a last ditch effort to save my broken marriage I moved 3 hrs from my friends and family only to have my husband leave me 3 months later and leave me broken and alone. My kids and I survived. We lived in our van and hotels when I could afford one and finally we got into a place. Just me and my boys. I wanted to meet the perfect man and then one night temptation got the better of me and depression and being alone and I had a one night stand with a man I thought could bring me out of my pain, I thought wanted to be with me..oh boy was I wrong and 9 months later my Miracle little girl was born. When I was pregnant with Ali I had found a church..Chapel Rock and started divorce care and started healing...Finding out I was pregnant was my rock bottom, I didnt know what else to do or where else to turn so I turned back to God..on my knees, I was so broken, so ashamed, people talked about me, treated me like dirt. I felt like the woman at the well around people so I just stayed in my apartment. Only went out to go to work and church...divorce care was helping me heal, I found out through divorce care that I could heal, and even could love again but that I needed this time to work through my anger and be with the Lord and above all heal my broken heart. In Feb 2009 Alison was born, I had been alone since that one night stand..I was getting involved in Chapel Rock and attending Sunday School and Divorce Care, I was actually getting out of the house a little more too and 4 weeks after Alison was born I found out my son had put me on a dating service online and I met a wonderful man. We started dating and I started to feel alive again. I found out he had been through some rocky roads in his life and we found the more time we spent together the more we "clicked". This man genuinely loved me and wanted to be with me. Never had any man loved me like he did. I could talk with him about anything and he was always there for me. On Feb 14, 2011 we became husband and wife. I never thought I would find someone who didnt care that I had been beaten and raped, who didnt care that I had 3 kids and 3 different dads, I met a man who wanted me for me. I started to climb out of that "shell", started to peel away the layers on both him and me. Its been an awesome experience. I finally have someone who loves football as much as I do, someone who wants to hold me at night...its such an awesome thing.

I dont look back anymore, I dont wish I was one of those perfect "Christian" ladies , I am who I am..I am a wife and mother, friend, sister, neighbor, daughter who loves the Lord and prays that my story will touch a woman in need someday and maybe be a beacon of light to them that God is with you always, even when you dont think He is.

If we sit there and worry about what happened to us in the past we will never be able to peel off those layers and move forward in our lives. One of my favorite worship songs sums it all up for me...I am coming to the Heart of Worship and its all about You.... God has taken every thing I have been through in my life and used it for my good. I think now that I would have never met my husband had I not moved down here and he moved here after Katrina. There are times I wish i would have met my husband sooner but it wouldnt have been in God's timing..we both had to go through the fire to meet.

I have so much more in my life to experience and I am never going to be able to live an abundant life if I am hanging onto the past and wallowing in all the bad...

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