Monday, August 29, 2011
I havent wrote on this in a long time. Alot of changes have been happening in my life. Matthew is now a 3rd grader and I am the mom of a teenager (yikes) Dustin just started 8th grade and is in football. Ali is now 2 1/2 and we are working on potty training and all I can say at this point is that we hope she will be trained by kindergarten..lol... I am also now a stay at home mom. My job ended on July 29th. I loved my job with all my heart and I miss it, I never thought I would be a stay at home mom, I have always worked and I loved it and I never thought I would lose the job of my dreams, the job I loved. In a way I feel kind of empty.
Aug 19-20th was Woman of Faith in Indy. I went and my mom and sisters and the women from their church came down and it was an awesome time of rejuvenation, getting back to my roots in Christ. I have been down here in Indy for 4 years now and still have not found a church that is my hometown church or one I can call my own, I have been to a couple but moving around Indy means they are too far away to go to on a regular basis, so for the moment I havent really found a church so going to Women of Faith was a way to re-energize me and maybe even start the healing from losing my job. I loved the worship, the messages but it was Friday evening when they introduced each of the speakers that were going to speak on Saturday each one came up for like a 2 minute blurb to kind of get you fired up. Luci Swindoll took the stage and I dont remember alot of what she said, but the one thing I remember was her bringing up about enjoying where we are at this moment in our lives and making the best of it..I dont know why but those words hit me and hit me hard, I wasnt enjoying being home with the kids, I felt cheated and betrayed and felt a huge void in my life with losing my job and taking it out on my kids, my husband..my friends didnt even know how bad I was hurting because I would just paste on a smile or answer a text with a smiley, they didnt know that inside I was dying and I didnt know how to tell anyone. Things with my husband and I got very tense since I lost my job because I didnt care, didnt try to be all that I could be as a stay at home mom, I didnt care, and the one person I needed to talk to-- God , I felt like He didnt care anymore because I truly loved my job and gave it my all everyday and to take it away devastated me and rocked my faith to the core, I began doubting alot of things especially my faith. No one knew how devastated I was, I didnt let on.. I dont think I knew how devastated I was till I got to Women of Faith and the Fieldhouse and saw all those women there, all those perfect women, the mothers and sisters and grandmothers and aunts and friends whose lives were perfect but as the speakers got up there one by one I noticed that they didnt have perfect lives either but here they were sharing their triumphs and tragedies using their tribulations to speak to us. I sat there all weekend listening intently. And then it hit me, I am a very blessed woman, I have an awesome husband, 3 totally terrific kids, a home I love, friends, family, I am a blessed woman..yeah sure I lost my job but it is going to be ok...and I began to cry...I felt so awful, i had taken so much of my anger and my frustration out on my husband and my kids and hid so much..After the concert I got home and I sat down with my husband and I kissed him, hard on the lips and he was like I missed you too and I was like no thats for loving me and supporting me when you should have just walked away, I am sorry for my attitude and everything the last couple weeks and I need to accept that I have lost my job and I am now home with the kids and you deserve to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table and I need to be the best stay at home wife and mom I can be. It was so cool, because I could watch his heart soften as I said those words. And I could feel my heart soften as I told him what God had finally told me. My husband isnt big on the faith thing but he understands that sometimes he can tell me something till he is blue in the face and I wont get it but sometimes it takes someone higher than him to get it to me just right.